for his_majestys_navy : a star wars story

[hotspurs]

He shouldn't be here. That's becoming clearer and clearer with every passing hour.

All Horatio is, at the moment, is another mouth to feed. The sheer accident of his vague association with the man they actually needed was far from a reason for them to be keeping him here. Soon enough, he's certain, the whim that had struck Pellew to keep him around would be lost, and his extraction would be a messy thing--or, perhaps, a painfully clean one.

It didn't matter where they left him, after all. There wasn't anything left to go back to.

If he were any use at all, it would be different. If he could be trusted with a ship, then his desperation would be easy to channel. If he could be trusted with a weapon, then his life could be thrown into usefulness. But every soft hint of a suggestion gets quickly shot down by Pellew with the same tired sigh and stern instruction.

He needs to find some measure of control.

It isn't enough that he's learned to keep his face in a mask of stillness. It isn't enough that his voice rarely breaks and his tone rarely shifts. It's the something inside him--the hurt and the fear and the voiceless rage he can't be rid of--that needs lashing down. It's that, Pellew has to point out far too often, that keeps rocking the debris around him when he loses even the tiniest bit of his focus. It's the grey that threatens to pull any usefulness in him crashing down into simply being a liability.

The frustration of being made to stay when everyone else moves is, unfortunately, a source of liability all its own. Standing on the sidelines as a scouting contingent of the little fleet prepares to move again puts a certain crackle into the air just around him--nothing solid, nothing overly forceful, but distinctly there.

This is exactly what he's meant to be fighting against. This is what needs to clamp down and stifle so that the universe flows through him in a balance rather than sticking muddily to the darkness in his chest. It helps when movement beside him pulls focus from the ships he's been gazing mournfully toward. The man he steps back to make space for, after all, is likely even more frustrated than Horatio himself that the young man is still here.

"Commodore."

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[his_majestys_navy]

At least one. But while it might not be the best use of their time, a few moments won't be the difference between life or death. He should be thinking more clearly, but it's near impossible to do so.

"When we return-" He begins, pulling away, still with the feel of Horatio's lips against his own. "When we return. I would like you to stay. I know Pellew will have plans, but... we- I would rather... have you."

How can he ask such a thing? He shouldn't. But selfish reasons aside, they need Horatio, they need Pellew. The presence of the Jedi gives the Rebellion hope, in a strange way. It is a near impossible task, to free the galaxy from the Empire's control. But even James feels that they might succeed, with Horatio there.

[hotspurs]

Ah. That's reality pounding angrily at his door again.

Horatio knows he could help. He knows the rebellion is losing pilots faster than they can recruit and train new ones. (He knows that their lives would be in the service of the cause, but he can't help imagining they might even have a few more quiet moments like this, when the whole universe could feel perfectly right again.)

"Hm."

They truly ought to collect kindling. More than that, they ought to push the limit of risk tolerance to get back in the sky as soon as they can.

It's just a sad, prickling thing to know he'll only be allowed to stay if Pellew is too disappointed to continue training him.

[his_majestys_navy]

Pellew is a father figure, James is aware of that. He has trained and guided Horatio very well, that can't be denied. He shouldn't ask this of him, not so far away from any sort of resolution.

He should have waited.

He pulls back, with a gentle reassuring squeeze at Horatio's arm before he releases him.

"I will talk to him. He must see the need we have for you."

If it's for the rebellion, is it such a wicked thing? If it is for the greater good of the galaxy, and not James' own desire, can Pellew deny it?

[hotspurs]

Is it wrong to hope? Is it wrong that Horatio's heart beats a hair faster with the thought that, after all this wandering, this might be the way he spends whatever time is left--flying, fighting, and feeling the strange freedom that welled in his chest whenever James Norrington pulled him in close.

"--will you?"

It's just enough hope to bring them home again. It will be easy to crush once James is back with the rebels and his own mind has to be returned to the quiet blankness that Pellew tells him will keep the Force tempered in him.

"Promise?"